ARTIST STATEMENT

DURING THIS TIME, IN WHICH YOU KNOW YOU ARE PRACTICING SELF-ABUSE: YOU KNOW IT, YOU CAN SEE IT, THERES NO LYING TO YOURSELF. YOU KNOW YOUVE HAD TOO MANY CUPS OF COFFEE. YOU KNOW YOUVE HAD TOO MANY CIGARETTES. YOU KNOW YOU ARE EXISTING ON OXYGEN. YOU KNOW THAT YOU SHOULD BE DOWN BY NOW. BUT YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT AS TRUE AS YOU KNOW ALL OF THE TRUTH THAT YOU KNOW AT THIS MOMENT. YOU KNOW THAT WORDS LIKE "DELUSIONAL" AND "CRAZY" ARE SUBJECTIVE AND YOU KNOW THAT THE MEANING AND APPLICATION OF THESE WORDS IS IRRELLEVANT TO THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW AND YOU ARE DOING IT. CLASSIFICATIONS OF INDIVIDUALS SUCH AS YOURSELF AND THOSE YOU KNOW IS IRRELLEVANT TO THIS CALLING, LOUDER THAN ANY VOICE YOU HAVE EVER HEARD. YOU RECOGNIZE THAT YOU HOLD THE DIVINE IN YOU AT THIS MOMENT AND THAT IT IS WORKING THROUGH YOU. EQUALLY IRRELLEVANT AS YOUR PERSONALITY AND OPINIONS ARE AT THIS MOMENT IS: WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO/BE DOING. ALL MATTERS NAUGHT, YOUR THOUGHTS ARE YOUR THOUGHTS AND THIS IS MUCH BIGGER THAN THAT. YOU MOVE FOR GOD HAS NO HANDS, BUT YOU DO. THE NEED TO DO THIS IS STRONGER THAN ANY LOGIC OR CALENDAR OR FINANCIAL DISASTER. YOU ARE GRATEFUL IN THIS MOMENT TO BE PARTICIPATING IN A SACRED AND POWERFUL DANCE THAT THE UNIVERSE IS ALWAYS DANCING WITH DIFFERENT PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE GLOBE AT ALL TIMES, ALL WAYS. THESE ARE YOUR DAYS. YOU KNOW YOU ARE WHERE YOU NEED TO BE AND YOU ARE AT PEACE. AT THE SAME TIME, YOU WONDER WHEN NEXT YOU WILL SLEEP.

turkey

i figured you had had
some really traumatic times
with a turkey.

maskin the nasty

youre just maskin the nasty, man.
like when fat people where stripes.

sadness

you moving in inspired me
to deal with the sadness
that ive just been entrenched in,

it was a good friend.

but youre a good friend too.

this woman

since my house is punctuated everywhere by windows i know the neighbors know exactly what im doing. especially the woman across the way thats trying to start her car on this cold misty morning who has been out there for 30 minutes, no doubt shes looked up at the open window out of which lou reed is pourning at 9 in the morning, the house with the open front door, for sure shes checked it in her rearview mirror.

what is the hermit doing? shes probably wondering

or

who lives there?


yes neighbors. im that woman. yes i got up at 830 snd cooked breakfast and coffee for two. smoked a couple of cigarettes and shuffled about the hallway in my socks wondering what i should do. yes i checked the room that someone supposedly lives with me in, to see if certain objects had been moved- so i can count: 2.

2 days since hes been home. and yes i havent touched my breakfast as they grow cold next to each other i have this feeling someones about to show up. i sip my coffee. i check the open front door.

yes neighbors, im that woman. quiet and calm but ontop of the details, hoping something is about to happen, fully prepared and fully aware and fully alone in this beautiful home. i know you can hear this down the street through the open window:

feel sick & dirty more dead than alive

oooooooooooooo mama

im waitin for ma man.

yeah.
thats the kind of woman i am.

MEANT TO BE

IM SORRY HE SAYS IM SO SORRY
IM IN A DEATH-METAL KINDA MOOD
WHATEVER YOU GOT NUTHIN TO BE SORRY ABOUT
FAST CAR COVER BY XIU XIU
DONTCHA KNOW I LOVE YOU
ALREADY THERES NUTHIN YOU COULD DO
THAT WOULD MAKE ME THROW YOU
OUTTA HERE LIKE YOURE USED TO
BEIN THROWN OUTTA PLACES
I COULD NEVER DO THAT TO YOU
OR I WOULD SOMETIMES
I WOULDA ARDY CUT YOU OUTTA MY LIFE
IF I WAS CAPABLE OF THAT
IT WOULDA ARDY HAPPENED
SO SIT BACK
AND RELAX
WHEN YOU SING IN THE KITCHEN
MY SOUL GETS WET
GETS WETTER AND WETTER TILL IT
COULDNT GET ANY BETTER
UNLESS I COULD INHALE YOU
LIKE YOU DO THOSE BEERS
LIKE I DO THOSE LEAVES
IF WE COULD DO THAT TO EACH OTHER
NEITHER
OF US WOULD STILL BE HERE
SO SIT BACK
AND RELAX
SMOKE THE REST A THAT PACK
I DONT CARE
I NEVER KNOWED NUTHIN BETTER
THIS FEELS PRETTY FUCKING GOOD
DO ME LIKE YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD
AND ON THE DAYS WHERE OUR SIGN
TELLS US TO TELL EVERYONE
TO FUCK OFF
WE WILL NOT SEE EACH OTHER
AND WE KNOW IT NO
EXPLAININ TO THE OTHERS
IM NOT WONDERIN
WHERE YOU ARE
IM DOIN SOMETHIN BETTER
SO RELAX
DO CRACK
WHATEVER
ITS YOUR DAY OFF
YOU KNOW WHEN YOURE LONELY
I WILL GET YOU OFF
AND THATS THAT
TAKE IT HAVE IT
AND DONT ASK FOR MORE
DONT OPEN OTHER DOORS
THERE ARE DEMONS BEHIND THEM
THAT WANNA CHIME IN
DONT MIND THEM
PLAY THEM
ON YOUR MACHINE
THE ONE YOU CHOOSE FOR THE DAY
AND JUST KNOW THAT
ILL BE OK ANYWAY
I NEVER NEEDED YOU
OR NUTHIN FROM YOU
SO SIT BACK
RELAX
GET YOUR ROCKS OFF
SOME OTHER WAY
EVERYDAY
THAT WERE IN HERE TOGETHER
ILL BE UNDRESSING YOU
WITH MY EYES
AND FUCKING YOU
IN MY MIND
AND ILL BE BEHIND YOU
IN ANY SEARCH
FOR ANYTHING
YOU WANNA FIND
JUST KNOW IT
AND OWN IT
BE FREE
AND ILL BE ME
ITS NOT CHEAP
BUT IT IS EASY
AND WHEN YOU SAY
WE WERE MEANT TO BE
YOU KNOW ILL AGREE
BUT NEITHER OF US
HAVE ANY IDEA
WHAT EXACTLY
THAT MEANS.

the present

collectively
affecting me
this breeze
shakes all our leaves
this release
is such a
relief
i feel a great peace
settling on me
and we
make this happen
and we
reap the benefits
we are
the conduits
of this
situation
devastation
has hit us
and we have
put up with it
we have
been through some shit
but this is it
so
realize
and check it
respect it
and represent
the present.

absence

i wasnt looking for you
when we met
but meeting you
meant
something to me
hence
your absence
now has meaning.

why you give this
to me
your absence
like a box with
a ribbon on it
i have no idea
i hold it
i explore the meaning.

i am not hungry
i do not need you
that said
i am
deeply confused.

some evenings

some evenings
i feel the potential
for wonderful things
building in the air
tension
the wetness
of the rain
depending
and then ill go
seeking
see if something great
will happen to me
i believe i see
the potential
and that that potential
is visisble
but some evenings
it seems
visible
only to me.

choose your own adventure

if you knew
what i mean to you
you would do things
differently
but this is a
choose-your-own-adventure
and there are many secrets
clues go unseen
in your dreams i believe
you see me
but drinkers do not
remember their dreams
i retreat
to audience member status
and i do not
yell things
at the screen.

all of us
collectively
create this story
you make your character
the best it can be
and thats really all
one can ever
hope to achieve.

elusive

im sitting in a box
that costs 650 dollars
without one piece of bread
a drunk friend looks kindly
around a corner
yes?
im looking for a piece of bread.
as he punctuates this sentence
and sees the look on my face
we fall silent
we share a second of just being
in the same space
i know i neednt say anything
but to shake the feeling
i release it in words
i dont have any bread
i just spent the pay that
wouldve gone to
keeping my phone on
in a mindless bar chase
as ive done so many times
without even liking alcohol
to try and help someone
that wont return my calls
it seems somehow sadder
with a friend at my side
no longer alone holding
the knowledge
that i once again put my neck across
the chopping block
for someone that doesnt call
me back

in the deepest part
of the dark of the night
he asks again the question
for which i have no answer

why do people not like you?

the pebble falls into the
pool of my soul
small ripples swell and roll
outward circular
i watch them quietly
a movement i like to watch

but there is no lasting reaction
of the water to the stone
and there is no real answer
to this question
and that is all i know.

so i hold the knowledge
and i sit in the box
i breathe in
i breathe out
without my heart
what can i do?
sings the musician

the only thing i want

continually


e l u s i v e

patience

ive spent my time
in lots of poverty
in order to see
the things i wanted to see
in order to be
the places i wanted to be
nearness to other
powerful individuals
my top priority
but the realm of the trivial
distracts many
away from me
i no longer blame
anyone
i no longer want to
scream
i watch the tides
quietly
i no longer want to
die
these are my choices
this is my life

the hypothesis
my experience
and existence
rests on
has yet to show itself
to me
but i continue to breathe
i can see it
in my mind
hence i continue
to live
whether or not
it exists
im growing more and more
patient.

SPRING!

SPRING!
IS ABOUT TO EXPLODE IN OUR FACES
AND SHOW TO US THE BABIES
OF OUR WINTER GRIEFS
AND GOOD GRACES!!!

ARE YOU READY??

she warns

mom walks up to me with my empty cigarette pack in her hands. she opens it to the plastic ball in rubber band.
is this your weed? she asks.
yes it is. i say.
well you sure hid it well! she says and hands it back. i almost threw that away! she laughs.
bet the cops wouldnt even find it if they searched me, i say.
this is going too far.
the cops will find what they wanna find, she warns.

dear friend

dear friend,
the space feels incredibly much lighter
without you around.

resin

i wiped my mouth
and a smudge of oily black
came off on the back of my hand.
it still stands.
what a scam.

love spell tip no.1

when creating a love spell, you want to make your mixtape reflecting your personal strengths and the strengths of the potential percieved relationship, metaphorically and stylistically. it is assumed here that the listener's mind will also be on these subjects while reviewing the tape, because they know you are into them, before or after you give it. it is essential when using the mixtape in these pursuits that one actually gives said mix to chosen person. them having it is important to its functioning.

pulp

i start to see the different pieces of me connect and i settle like pulp in a glass.

sweeping

rejoicing in the moment of breaking apart that youd been waiting so long for, through two or more springs you held your head low, grieving, all the deaths and stabs and the close-calls- being there when the doctors created that scar on your face and now you keep a beard. shielding you, shielding me. suddenly sun shone in the window on the shards on the floor, like dew in the yard, like glasknacht or whatever its called, and i saw that they were so small, all i had to do was sweep them up. so im sweeping.

shokingly

you leave me alone
and i start creating installations
immediately.
i start recycling
and relieving myself
the terror
you all
(you know
who you are)
instilled
upon me
and shokingly,
i can breathe,
and i can create
these works.

after 100 cigarettes.
and 15 cups of coffee.

recognize

i suddenly see a mugshot of myself in my mind with bloodied face and long, ratted hair. one longer piece of hair is glued across my forehead with dried blood, stuck especially deep into the cut above my left eyebrow. my mother sees the photographs and cries, you are unrecognizable!
but i look at the photographs and recognize myself.

in my book

sorry to step on your toes, dude. when i put your cock in my mouth, we became sexual partners in my book.

all one

when youre alone for a time, you are at first invisable to yourself. hence the feeling that no one is there. it is difficult to see onesself at first without the mirror/contrast of the other (another) person. this freaks some people out, they feel they are in a space devoid of people. but slowly, the longer one is alone, pieces of onesself become visible one by one, until you see yourself again, and are again all one (the basis for the modern english: alone).

rocking

the new captain has arrived.
she hooked him
dead or alive
upon first meeting
fearless
he could pull her under
she could suck him dry
onlookers on the outside
are terrified
but for right now
they're just pulling back & forth
rocking.
for right now.

the fountain

im gonna take you there. hey lets grind to motown in a pit with liter beer glasses in our hands till we're covered with sweat like we just took a shower. then we'll get one to go and run out into the cold coatless and drink our beers by the fountain. sing our songs and jump in if we want to. trip on cobblestones and go rolling through uneven, hand-paved streets. come with me.

closeness/lonliness

i am beyond lonliness. i am at what am i going to do with myself? makin plans. moving forward. as soon as i arrive i know its where we all ought to be alla the time. but i know, in the only moment i will ever have to not enjoy it, that i will dive right back in again, to the cycle of closeness and lonliness that humans have, as soon as you get back to town.

tone down

my point is, we have to tone down the sexiness of our outfits before we go to visit the bourgeoisie.

good habit

smoking one cigarette outside one's house just before bed (and meditating on your surroundings) is a good habit for a woman living alone to have.

short-lived

that was short-lived. the relationship and the being in the same baby-holding room.