i wish he would come make love with me. i am so tired and so deserving i have done so much for us today and for him. i think he secretly how beautiful and sexy he is and no longer finds me worth the time and energy. but he cannot tell me this to my face. he would rather choke out our love with neglect and tetris. just like my husband before him. maybe im just staying to do reasearch on what would have happened had i stayed. his loving has healed me enough that i no longer walk around in a fog of divorce. but i think it was never his intention to make this something lasting and we both always knew it would only be temporary.
angry terrorist music plays from the stereo.
he attempted at first to woo me by saying things like forvever a lot which scared the shit out of me cuz i know better by now. that is not what i want, and i think it blocked me, and me being blocked disheartened him and since he's stopped making those promises i feel much freer to give love but it is maybe too late for him now he has stopped believing in his version of what was holding us together.
it occurs to me that we are bound together by being broke, and knowing he could pay the rent without me tempts me to leave him alone.
(written in oct.09 chicago)
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