MUSIC

he's attracted to social consciousness. a woman who knows about music knows of the game, the system, the patterns. is street smart.
next time you feel that chill down your spine of having survived, go buy yourself a shot of whiskey and write a song. don't go tell your brother (till later).
the more i understand the power/purpose of music as a tool, the more i understand the shocked looks i get when i let slip that i do a radio show or DJ at partys. or the way people look at me and love me/hate me when i'm DJing with sebi and gianci, who are clearly geniuses in their field and down with it. i sell myself short by not doing a very good job.

LABYRINTH

today i seem to have a great music collection. maybe its just that my heart has opened and i can sense that i'm close to the center of the labyrinth.

UNDERSTAND

i can't possibly understand, no matter how much i document or create, what huge spiritual importance this trip has for me, and the lasting effects it will leave on me, my heart, my life. the music entrances me as i lose myself in a smashing pumpkins poster across the room. i can almost feel myself growing.

JEFF

he comes in in sporty pants and no shirt with a real cheerie hello and says he's going to the library. i'm sure he knows how good his tussled hair looks when he gets out of bed in the morning (afternoon). he tries to help me get the espresso machine open, meanwhile i suceed at brewing practical espresso with the drip coffee machine. i let him try it he likes it, i tell him he doesn't have to entertain me. white magic plays over the istereo. i eat a chocolate muffin. he doesn't just try the coffee he drinks half of it, he loves it. i feel like i'm watching a cute furry animal eat out of my hand. white magic feels so good today. he tells me the fire escape is not stable, i shouldn't go out there, i laugh, i knew he'd say that, i thought about that when i was sitting on it this morning. i went walking and got the windy city high, no particular events just walkin walkin walkin feeling good. he says he feels that way in new york. i see that... train lost. we listen to white magic. he gets ready to go to the library. we talk about ipod ripping and music that could've been made in any century. i'll play mine later. they'll all be back soon. i feel he is too concerned with his position as host. i wonder what i can do to make this easier, smoother, for him and the others. i love his style. i admire it the way i once admired jacqui's. i get the feeling he wants me to talk to him as a man to a man. how did i lose that? i need to come back here.

FIRST DAY IN CHICAGO

i listened to fiona apple on repeat almost the entire train ride here. o'sailor is playing right now. last night i had a beer with four really sweet guys. they were improvising mad crazy harmonies, better than any jazz troupe i ever saw, it was a bit intimidating to just jump in. i smoked out of an apple for the first time. i already forgot their names. bright eyes was playing in the background it was nicely balanced. high i was way more sensative to my place in the group and the natural order that already existed. i said things that i felt i was just learning to understand as i spoke them out and they really got it. i was happy to talk about the strenuousness of travelling and staying with people. i had a good time. relaxed. i felt like i knew exactly what was necessary at any given time and everything was going slowly. i wrote the strangest poetry, mirah-like, comparing our situation to a kingdom. time doesn't pass as fast as i usually think it does when im hungry and single, looking for the next bar.
i feel almost as though some native american ritual happened here last night, each played a role and we danced. maybe i'm getting better at the group dance, where before i could only tango.
dustin gave me a wake up call, intervention-style advice session yesterday. he was basically like, why are you rushing stuff?
just as sincere as a dog looks...

TRUCK

the bus rolls on. we are now in DOWAGIAC. there is a blue pickup truck and a little convenience store here. yesterday when adam picked me up in his noisy little white car i asked
good for transporting artwork?
yeah, it was...
and then you started working larger and now its too small?
yeah. i just got a truck.
awesome.

HOPE

the joy in my dad's voice when i talk to him on the phone communicates to me his joy over my survival, to which he contributed only hope.

INSTITUTION

i was amazed at the intelligence of the institution to decipher my cry for help in my pre-institution diary and my emails to jacqui. although that help was never recieved. such institutions are created only for prevention and not for creative action. plus no one could've helped me then, though i wonder still.

WOLF

i'm a man who never learned to control his rampant libido because he used a woman's body to get what he wanted his whole life long, and people knew i was a wolf in sheep's clothing, they just never knew how. or why.

POLITE

im gonna help that little girl!
im not a little girl. thank you.
you need help?
no. thank you.
lemme help you.
(shakes head) thank you.
can't even be polite to some people these days!
(he yells to the other passengers).


what was it that made me not say
i don't think calling adult women little girls is polite.

NAZIS

i told that guy at the record store today that switzerland is run by nazis. he asked if i meant conservative white men? i said no i mean nazis. he laughed. he thought i was joking, or he loves nazis.

LONG MINUTES

long minutes after she'd left he asked
did you think of what you'd like to do yet?
i felt what he was really asking was
do you have the balls to come and get me yet?
so i asked
no. have you?
no.